How The Music We Listen To Shapes the Men Of Our Dreams

Think back to the frontmen you idolized as a teenager, the crooners who lulled you to sleep as a little girl. Chances are, if you're anything like me, they were great romantics. Did you grow up wanting to fall in love with Jim Morrison? I don't think any girl can say there wasn't at least one frontman she hoped to find a real life replica of, and we're not talking just for looks.

As far back as I can remember, I was listening to The Who, with Roger Daltrey belting out Townshend's and Entwhistle's heartbreaks. Perhaps the biggest sap of all time is Bono himself, a key piece in my childhood, and womanhood. He always seemed to have such a big heart - not just for Africa and the starving babies, but for the women in his life. I thought that, surely, all men are capable of loving so much.

You can run from love
And if it's really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can't be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?
-A Man And A Woman (2004)

One of my close friends used to be able to sleep as a child only if her grandad played Chris Isaak. As an adult, she still listens to him, and in fact turned me on to the man's soulful words. You can feel his guitar weeping, but what brings on the tears in your own eyes is his sadness, his pleading, how in love he always is with a girl who won't love him back in the same way. What kills you inside is how you know he'll fall in love again, despite how bad it hurts. He'll let another one torture him, because the payoff is worth the pain.

Give me a sign and let me know we're through
If you don't love me like I love you
But if you cry at night the way I do I'll know that somebody's lying
-Somebody's Crying (1995)

The ones who say "baby" always got to me the most. Jon Bon Jovi created entire songs around this concept, and knowing the weakness it is in women. You'd think a woman was singing the song below, but it's not. It's a guy at the end of his chain, willing to do anything to keep his girl. I guess he's really turned that way - the softest songs are the ones about his wife. But is the world filled with Jon Bon Jovis? No, and most men would be ashamed to be caught dead listening to such drivel, let alone acting that way. I have a few select guy friends who have no shame in admitting it. I also know how they're as connected to those songs through the hard times as I have been.

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me
-Lie To Me (1995)

My teenage years were the most detrimental to my perception. I fell into Depeche Mode, Interpol, The Arcade Fire, HIM, the overall new insurgence of guys who weren't afraid to put their masculinity on the line and even sound like queers to write and sing about the deeper stirrings of their hearts. Those were also the years I started to learn that real men aren't like my British psuedo-idols, they aren't that passionate, that soft, that open. They generally really do care more about sex, status, and good times than anything emotional. Surely there are exceptions, but they are few and far between, and they're often hurt and turned bitter by the uncaring girls along the way who give womankind a bad name.

I submit my incentive is romance
I watched the pole dance of the stars
We rejoice because the hurting is so painless
From the distance of passing cars
But I am married to your charms & grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

Can you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now
-Slow Hands (2005)

I often wonder how this shapes the men. Do they become the songs they listen to, grow up seeing them as words to live by? Does the subject matter inundating our society now affect that? When my older brother was a teenager, times had changed. Romance, even just the mere acceptance of men singing about it, had died. George Michael, Simon Le Bon and many of the other greats of the '80s had come out of the closet and changed the perception of what was "straight." Nirvana and the deep grunge phase of self-loathing and pity were in. For the first time, songs about abusing women, slapping them around, dirty rap about sex on the dance floor and life as a pimp, were going mainstream. What happened to the days when America wouldn't show Elvis below the waist, in fear his shaking hips would stir up the yearning loins of teenage girls?

I'm not saying you should base a guy's personality and inclination towards treatment of women on the music he listens to. I've known perfectly good guys who listened to Slipknot, and rather wretched ones who had a fetish for Five For Fighting. I'm probably not even hitting the nail on the head with this one. It's just a theory, that if what a woman expects, or sees men as being, can be affected by her exposure to lyrical material… surely a guy's behavior can be too? Or is this another chicken-before-the-egg type deal, where we just don't know - do they listen to what the do, because they're already turned a certain way and that's what they connect to? I'm sure the people who want to blame Marilyn Manson for strings of suicides and school shootings are still trying to figure that one out. Any of the lads want to give me their 2 cents? Try opening up and talking about it. I know you can do it.

Female Rock Stars I'd Rather Be

Here I am, wasting valuable time I should be studying for the Virginia State Board test on compiling a list of those I'd rather be. Surely, this says something about myself that I should recognize...


25. Carah Faye Charnow (Shiny Toy Guns)
Listen to: "Le Disko" (2005)


Life must've been great for Carah, up until Shiny Toy Guns released her from their sinking ship. Oh well, she's living it up in Sweden now with new band Versant.


24. Hayley Williams (Paramore)
Listen to: "crushcrushcrush" (2007)


All the teenage girls want to be Hayley, and all their boyfriends want to bang her. Why shouldn't I jump on the bandwagon too? Hey, I wouldn't turn down her paycheck, either.



23. Hoku
Listen to: "Another Dumb Blonde" (2000)


Despite having disappeared off the face of the world these days, it wouldn't have been bad to be Hoku in the early part of this decade. Anyone still remember the Legally Blonde soundtrack?


22. Amy Lee (Evanescence)
Listen to: "Call Me When You're Sober" (2006)


Amy is the gothic princess of this decade, and many other musicians and emotionally disturbed teenage girls have tried walking in her footsteps. Now if only she can stop sleeping with her bandmates and get on with this career.


21. Alison Mosshart (Dead Weather, The Kills)
Listen to: "Treat Me Like Your Mother" (2009)


Anyone who can hold their own in a band with Jack White gets bonus points from me.


20. Brandi Carlile
Listen to: "Follow" (2005)


What a way to escape Seattle... get found singing in a bar, sent on tour opening for Jamie Cullum, and next thing you know your songs are on Grey's Anatomy.


19. Feist
Listen to: "1234" (2007)


I think Feist's biggest claim to fame is being featured in an Apple commercial. Oh well, she's still hot.


18. KT Tunstall
Listen to: "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" (2004)


I'd like to be KT just to play with all of her cool musical toys and have license to run around in leggings.


17. Aimee Mann
Listen to: "Pavlov's Bell" (2002)


The less-dike, more talented version of Melissa Etheridge. I love her.


16. Dolores O'Riordan (The Cranberries)
Listen to: "Zombie" (1994)


The voice just can't match the beauty of this Irish post-grunge goddess, who's managed to hold up a decent solo career as well.


15. Deborah Harry (Blondie)
Listen to: "Call Me" (1980)


Few beauties rivaled Debbie in the late 70s and 80s, and few still can. Suck it, Lady Gaga.


14. Eleanor Jackson (La Roux)
Listen to: "I'm Not Your Toy" (2009)


Proof that one CAN grow up in Brixton and live to tell the tale.


13. Imogen Heap (Frou Frou)
Listen to: "Let Go" (2002)


Haunting voice, talented lyricist, and a fashion sense almost rivaling Bjork. It's almost perfection, and she can thank her discovery to way more than Zach Braff featuring her in a movie.


12. Annie Lennox (Eurythmics)
Listen to: "A Whiter Shade Of Pale" (1995)


With an illustrious and long career, including such awards as an Oscar, AMA, Golden Globe and various BRITs and Grammys, Annie reigns in as worth twice her weight in gold. And who wouldn't give to age so well?


11. Katie White (The Ting Tings)
Listen to: "Shut Up And Let Me Go" (2009)


Being half the talent of a two-piece act and playing multiple instruments is no small feat, nor is pulling off her style.


10. Beth Gibbons (Portishead)
Listen to: "Roads" (1998)


To me, Beth Gibbons has always been the female Kurt Cobain... with a little less drama.


9. Neko Case (The New Pornographers)
Listen to: "People Got A Lot Of Nerve" (2009)


Gorgeous and versatile, with a beautiful voice.


8. Pink
Listen to: "So What" (2008)


Pink as a strong chick with a firm sense of self and no qualms about telling anyone off (especially through her music), even her scorned ex-husband. You go girl.


7. Nico (Velvet Underground)
Listen to: "Venus In Furs" (1960s)


An Andy Warhol star, model, and actress - the biggest downside to being Nico would be the final bicycle accident.


6. Fiona Apple
Listen to: "Criminal"


Seductress at heart, her voice moves slow like honey, her words wrapping around you and casting a spell that envelops the senses. She isn't half bad at the piano either.


5. Alice Glass (Crystal Castles)
Listen to: "Crimewave"


Ah, how fabulous it would be to look like her, to be that crazy and not get locked up...


4. Florence Welch (Florence & The Machine)
Listen to: "You've Got The Love" (2009)


How can she be so beautiful and yet look like a drag queen at the same time? Simply fabulous, darling. Simply fabulous.


3. Maja Ivaarson (The Sounds)
Listen to: "No One Sleeps When I'm Awake"


Men and women alike want this Swedish beauty. Her bandmates are hot, and her legs are hotter. Ugh. And did I mention her voice?


2. Lily Allen
Listen to: "Not Fair" (2008)


Ok, so she's not really a rock star, but she can sing - and really, who doesn't want to be (or in the case of the boys, be in bed with) Lily? Even Matthew Bellamy seems to have fallen for her charm. Probably the only woman alive who can make cursing like a sailor be deemed adorable, rip you apart yet make you think she's flirting with you, and start blogging wars with people more famous than her and get away with it. Ah, to live life as Lily Allen. Someone teach me how.



1. Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
Listen to: "Zero" (2009)


I have a kink for leather jackets. Getting one with my name embossed on the back would just be radical. Beyond that, my list of pros in being Karen O goes on and on. She's my hero.

Depeche Mode - The Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ, USA - 1.8.2009

To quote one of my new friends from the gig, I finally "lost [my] Depeche Mode virginity." Apparently that, is something quite special. I have to agree now that it's all over.

The venue was the Event Center inside the Borgata, a typical upscale Atlantic City casino. Why the band always returns to such a small show that they can't possibly make much money on is beyond me. I am guessing that they enjoy the intimacy and change up from the big stadium tours. Either way, it's special from the fans, and they come out of the woodwork from all over to see it, much to the annoyance of the Borgata. I got there around noon; others had lined up from 5 am. You could see them wandering around hiding (and sleeping) behind signs, decked out in black and looking either morbid or anxious, I couldn't tell. Some were even brave enough to wear shirts from old tours past. Most didn't want to be too obviously given away to the staff, who's goal in life for that day was to run out anyone there for the gig before 6 pm.

I found a restraunt right at the bottom of the escalators up to the show. There was a little "outside" area and one open table, with a perfect view of everything. I had it in my head that I would just jump the surrounding fence to line up if all else failed, and we sat down to the longest meal of my life. At some point, the waitress figured out what we were doing, and stopped coming back. It went on like this for hours, with people slowly forming a line, being scuttled off by an aging security guard, lurking in the shadows again and starting all over. Finally he told people at 5 they could line up, and just as everyone slacks off, he comes back at 4:10 to place a rope in a spot mere feet from my table. People come flying over from all directions, and I was so taken by surprise I froze and let about 20 more people get in line before I figured out what to do. Forget the fact that we were all friends minutes before, or that we all knew who really got there first, it was cutthroat and everyone got angry. I ended up 70 people back, and when they came to randomly wristband people, my band ironically said just that.

Having lived the anger of that lineup situation once, I feel it deserves no more words. After being herded like sheep many times, we were stamped with invisible stamps, the doors opened, and people speed-walked (we were told not to run) to their favorite spots. As I watched the barrier in front of Dave fill up row by row, I knew I would never be front and center for this show, but I found an opening 2nd row by Martin, and it was mine. What a great place to be, Martin girls are so sweet. I couldn't complain, my first DM show wouldn't be thousands of people back in an arena, I was still close enough to feel the sweat. And sweat I certainly felt, my own. It had to have been 105 on the floor. The air was off to help save Dave's faltering voice, to good means I suppose as he lost it later on and dates had to be cancelled. With all the body head packed together and lack of air circulation, the temperature grew with nothing to help relieve it. People were passing out, despite the guards throwing mini bottles of water around now and then.

Peter Bjorn and John opened the show with a surprisingly extended set. After hearing them on the radio, I expected them to be quite boring. They were not. Even the next day, I had their songs as ear worms. Their sound is so haunting and frankly, just Scandinavian, it stuck with me. Live, they have some moves down. During one song, the bassist and lead singer switch instruments so that the bassist can leap into the crowd. Further on, during 'Young Kids', the singer hands the bassist his guitar and takes his turn jumping in. He ran along the barrier, waving a shaker in our faces. When he suddenly popped up inches away, I was mezmerized by his blue eyes, and we exchanged a smile. What amazed me the most about this, was how he didn't even miss a word while being folded like a pretzel by the guard getting him back onstage. I stupidly didn't snap a single photo during their set, and to my own comic relief, I didn't realize until later that the bassist's lisp upon speaking was actually a thick Swedish accent. I couldn't tell you where I had thought they were from.

Finally Depeche Mode comes out, but the crowd is too hot to really cheer a whole lot. The band opened with 'In Chains', the first song on the new album. I'm not sure it translates live as well as it could, and it's a little slow to open with. 'Wrong' wasn't as much of an anthemic live feature as I expected; 'Walking in My Shoes' lacked some of its old fervor. I could go on like this for awhile. Instead, I'm just going to blame the heat. The crowd just wasn't feeling it. Either way, the setlist was a good mix of old and new songs. It failed to represent every album over the years, but did a good job trying. It always comes to mind, what Fletch likes to say about their shows. The way Dave dances about, they just can't play for 3 hours, he would kill himself. He always tells us that they aren't The Cure, and that Robert Smith can do it because he stands in front of the microphone all night. Being a fan of many energetic bands, it makes perfect sense. As worn out as I get in the crowd, I can only imagine how they feel up there.

About halfway through the show, slightly more hydrated, people seemed to find more energy. Following Martin's solo set, Dave returning to do the vocals on his self-penned 'Come Back' leading into 'In Your Room', the place seemed to light up. 'I Feel You' was quite thumping, and Dave even managed to find his moves during 'Never Let Me Down Again' despite a torn calf muscle. It was about then that a group of fans pulled out printed up signs saying very Depeche words (such as "Faith") and the members' names. The cameraman beautifully caught this for the projections, and Dave and the others couldn't stop smiling about this.

Then, after a mere two-song encore containing 'Stripped' and 'Personal Jesus', they were done. A few people scrounged up a setlist and were quite disappointed about the songs that had been cut out. I was, too, for a bit before talking to someone on the crew. He gave me a setlist and said to hold onto it, as it was special. He explained to me about the venue having a curfew and fining ridiculous amounts of money for going over. I myself work at a venue with this rule, and understood completely. However, the sad thing is, a majority of the fans wanted to complain about how the band should've just payed the fine, played on anyways and suffered through for them. This was a big letdown for me, finding out that DM fans can be so filled with negativity. After everything this band has been through, and that they still tour, you'd think they would have earned a little more respect from their so called "fans." Again, I think of Fletch, saying that their message board is just "one long moan."



The show, for what it was, and all the un-luckiness of the tour, was quite good. Things didn't go exactly as planned, but I'm happy that I got to see them in such an intimate setting. In fact, I'm happy I got to see them at all, amongst all the people who didn't. I don't see the need to complain. The unhappiness of others, something that just isn't needed post-gig, has discouraged me from wanting to return to the setting of a Depeche gig anytime soon. As it is, there isn't much need, because the setlist and even the choreographed phrases and moves hardly change. I guess I need a little more. But I would never say I've been let down, I for one, have been fulfilled.

Depeche Mode 1.8.2009 photos

I still need to write a proper review for the show, but for now I wanted to share the photos. I'm very happy with how most of these turned out.





Click on the title of this post to view a slideshow, or here to go directly into the photos. Feel free to save or repost, but do NOT claim them as yours or remove my signature.

Bon Jovi - Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ, USA - 29.7.2006

I wondered why today I had a burning desire to listen to some Bon Jovi, after what must be months since I've put them on. I finally realized, it's been 3 years since one of the greatest shows of my life.

It's funny how these things happen, how you go into it blind and know you've hit it lucky. When tickets went on sale to this show, I didn't buy any, as I couldn't afford them. I sat there on Ticketmaster, watching good seats pass through my hands, and having to let them go. As time went on, I knew it was the last night of the tour, and something just screamed at me to go. When I found a fan selling a pair of 15th row floor seats at face value, I still couldn't afford them, but I emptied my rainy day fund anyways. At that moment in my life, I needed it. It turned out to be one of those things that all odds were against me doing, and yet I overcame.





The Yards, winners of the tour-long "Have A Nice Gig" contest, opened the show. I don't remember much about them, besides the fact the crowd was kind of dead. I imagine they were just happy for the exposure.





Next up, was Nickelback. They opened with Animals, their only song I give a damn about. I was surprised, actually. What a ballsy move to open your set with a song about a guy getting head while he drives, I thought. Turns out, it went on to be a single. I guess that's just how they roll. I obviously didn't know enough about Nickelback to know this. Overall, I thought they were too arrogant, and that almost all their songs sound the same. They're a little too "hard" and not "heavy" enough for me. The crowd's reception of them was mixed, which they didn't seem to appreciate. I remember one of them saying that next time, everyone would be in that stadium to see THEM open up. Uhhuh.





Seeing a band play their home town is always the best. Last nights of the tour are also either epic, or tragic. In this case, they were still running on the ultimate high. They played until nearly midnight, almost 3 hours. The setlist was 25 songs long, 8 in the encore alone.




Come to think of it, until about the 10th song, I was pretty disappointed and worried. It was a very standard setlist. Yeah, the crowd was great, and it was a high energy show, but they weren't playing anything special. When Jon came down the catwalk, barely a foot from me, I wouldn't even touch his outstretched hand, despite practically being thrown at him by the broad beside me. I was pouting.



Then they did Wildflower. I hadn't been checking setlists, so I didn't know it had already made a few appearances, but still a rare one. Hopes were up. Everything after that, was wham after wham. During Undivided, I watched the planes flying overhead, and realized just how close we were to where 9/11 took place (the subject of the song). Then they ended with Livin' On A Prayer, but we all knew it wasn't over.




The first song of the encore was I Am, my favorite song on the current album. The one that had never been played live before (nor since), that I never thought would be. Jon had lived up to his promise to play every song on 'Have A Nice Day' live. For once, he didn't let us down. I felt like I could die happy at that moment, everything after that was icing and cherries. They went on to do Blood On Blood, These Days (one of my favorite songs by any band), Wild Is The Wind, and I'd Die For You. The show ended with Wanted Dead Or Alive, and almost all save one song I had ever placed on my "Jovi setlist wish list" had just been ticked off. I was in shock, I was happy, I felt so lucky to have been able to experience this show. It was on par with what people travel to Japan or the UK/Europe to see them play, and I got it, 5 hours from home, with a little good luck and guesswork. Amazing.



(Please ignore the fact I look mad/exhausted in these...)

In reflection on all this, I wonder what happened to the band. I wonder why they had to go make country music, why they went back to terrible setlists, why they aren't closing out Giants Stadium and Springsteen is instead. I wonder what happened to my enthusiasm for big songs, big crowds, big bands. My ability to ignore the wank that always seems to follow. My dream to follow them around the world. I wish I could rediscover my love for Jovi. I wish I hadn't let others ruin it for me. They have a new album coming out soon, who knows what might happen. I have no expectations.